Charlotte - The First Month Home

I wrote this close to the date of 12/20, the first month home.  I am just now getting around to posting this, even though we are getting close to the two month mark of being home.  

This is written for my daughter, Charlotte, on our family blog of memories.

Dear Charlotte,

   Where do I begin?!  You've been home one month now, and with us almost two.  I don't know that you've changed so much.  I think it is just that we now know you better and can better understand each other.

   You're a precious child.  I don't know how to tell you all the things I want to tell you about your first month home.  My heart is too full and there are SO many memories already.  So, I will be honest and say that this letter to you will be disorganized and it simply can't contain everything.  You'll never know fully all of the things in my head that I want to share with you, but I know there are things forgotten already, so before more escapes me, I'll write what I can.

  You're a very bright little girl.  From day one, you seemed able to pick up on what we were trying to tell you or ask you to do.  Your first english word was, "Hey!" and "Uh-oh, Spaghetti-O!" was very close behind.  Now you are speaking and signing so many words I can't keep up.  I was counting at one point, but it has to be over 100 by now!  My favorite words that you say are your sister's name, Flora Lin, because you pronounce it like, "Fo-ah YIN!" and the number seven, which you pronounce, "seh-ben" (so precious it gets me every time!)!  Every day there are new words that you learn.  Most recently was big and little (and you understand them, too and use them to refer to things now) and today you learned hiccup, which you pronounce "hap pup," which is also too cute to correct at this point!  Of course, I love that you call out, "mah-MAAAAA!" when you wake up or when you do something awesome you want me to see, or when you make a new discovery that you want to share with me.  It's all day every day, but I'll definitely take it, as you would only refer to me as "big sister" in mandarin in China.   

Your favorite song to sing is still "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star," but you now sing it in broken english, where you sang it perfectly in Mandarin before.  It is both amazing and bittersweet to watch you learn a new language and slowly loose your old one.  When  you first joined our family, you would talk to yourself quietly in your native language while you played.  Now and then you would say your name, Xiao Ping, to yourself as you arranged your doll or toys.  I hear you whisper "Charlotte" and "alllll riiiight" (something I must say very often!) as you straighten Dolly's blanket or stack your little play papers together.  You are Charlotte Nicole Xiao Ping - as much as I want to see you learn new things and grow into our family, I don't want you to loose any of your old self.  You're beautiful.

 I so enjoy sharing new things with you and watching you try so hard to understand and put together our crazy language and try to figure out all of these new things and new people and new animals in our lives.  You do everything you can to figure out how to talk to us and it amazes me the words and phrases you are picking up and the words you are stringing together to form a little sentence.  You are resilient and you are determined to be cheerful and enjoy your life, that has thrown way, way too much at a little girl already.  You can count to ten in english (I'm certain you could in mandarin as well) and you help me count how many eggs the chickens have layed each day when we do farm chores together.  You enjoy watching the cows next door, especially the "bee-BEE cow" and the chickens are a close second, even though you used to scream like a banshee when I would bring one out for you to pet!  You like the cats, especially Henri (Hun-weeeee!!!!) because you have so much fun spotting him all around the farm and loudly calling for him.  You will pet Scout (SEE-gout) and delight in her antics.  Today you told me "Charlotte Horses" when I was reminding you that I was Charlotte's Mama and you were Mama's Charlotte.  I asked you if the cats were Charlotte's cats, and you shook your head no and repeated,"Charlotte Horses."  I'm glad you claim then and can't WAIT for you to ride them!  You are still fearful of the dogs, though you like to talk about Hershey and Ella and say their names so well.  The other day, Papa brought in the dog bowls for me to put medicine in.  When you saw them, you said, "Hersh-an-Ell-AH, hun-GWEE" (Hershey and Ella, Hungry), which showed me that you knew exactly what their bowls were and who they were for!

You do a very good job following your mama's type A instructions, as I believe you are a type A girl yourself, just like me!  Also like me, you like knowing that everything has a place and you prefer it to be very neat and tidy.  After I got you into your pajamas the other night, you leaned down as I was trying to brush your hair.  Though I asked you to stand up straight, you wouldn't, and I realized you were unfurling the corner of the bath mat so it would be perfectly straight!  Once you completed the task, you stood up and turned around and smiled, as if to say, "There!  Now I feel much better!"

As a rule follower, you feel very intimidated if you don't know exactly what I want or if the thing you are doing doesn't have clear instructions that are the same every time.  Puzzles can be challenging for you, though you are so smart.  You are not very confident doing them because there is no clear, orderly formula to complete every puzzle, each time.  Sweet Charlotte, I sympathize with you as I look for the rules, order and boundaries every day in life.  Not everything is black and white, and I sometimes struggle with that, and know that you will, too.  But please know that even though you may feel that the rules keep you safe, everthing in life does not fit neatly in a box.  Please know that the gray areas of life can be quite beautiful and freeing, too!

Last week, you finally completed a very troubling puzzle, putting each piece in the correct place by yourself - you were so happy I thought you would explode with your clapping and hoorays!!!  You even let me take several pictures of you to commemorate the moment!  For now, your confidence in yourself when doing puzzles has been restored and you look forward to them.  Remember that in life, you may not be confident in what you are doing, but that doesn't mean you CAN'T do it!  Like me, when the obstacle looks almost impossible, you decide it is better to not attempt than to attempt it and possibly  fail.  This has held me back from so many things in life, dear daughter.  Bringing you and your sister home was one of the first times I totally leaned on God, though the obstacle before me seemed impossible.  I am confident that you will learn to keep that fear of failure or making a mistake from holding you back from wonderful things in life!

Some of your favorite things are your Dolly that I made you (makes me SO happy!), your mama (yay!), books, sunglasses, pretty dresses and fancy clothes, jewelry, bows, helping out around the house, being held by your mama, being tickled, bath time, being out around people (you are definitely an extrovert, like your papa!), shoes and sometimes papa, as he can be SO funny!  You will eat most anything, though we were told you didn't like fruits and vegetables (60 % of our diet in this house!).  Your least favorite foods are hard to tell, because you will eat most anything!  You really, really like bread-type foods, crackers, sweet potatoes, potato salad, soups, rice, noodles, Chinese food (of course!), french fries, summer sausage, pepperoni, cookies (almost anything sweet) and things that are heavily seasoned!  From that list you would think I feed you nothing but junk, these are all things I RARELY feed you(other than sweet potatoes, soup and rice)!  You will eat any fruit or veggie that I give you, though you don't usually ask for them.

I've taken you out shopping with me a couple of times.  You most enjoy getting ready to go, because we pick out a fancy dress and you get to wear a necklace that has a locket on it with your iniitals.  You also get to come in my bathroom and sit on the counter and play with my makeup bag while I get ready.  You are neat and careful with almost everything you handle, so I really don't ever have to worry about you messing something up, like my makeup bag or a fancy necklace. 

You like to be clean and neat.  I am regularly summonded to "help" with your bow when it slips out of place or you get a speck of oatmeal on your finger.  You like everyone else to be neat and clean too.  One time, you sister was picking up dried grass clippings and sprinkling them into the air where they then landed on her jacket and stuck.  You marched over there to her like a little granny and started briskly brushing off the grass on her jacket with your little hands, continuing as she kept adding more!

Despite your neatness and compliant nature, you love to laugh and be silly!  You are a happy girl, and though sometimes overly dramatic, you bounce back to your sweet, sunny self very quickly!

You love to snuggle and sit in "mama's chair" with mama and just talk.  You are affectionate and quick to give a hug and a kiss (though this was NOT always so) and seem to thrive on physical touch.  Our first few days together you would only sit on the edge of my lap, but you let me rub your back and stroke your hair.  When you ask to sit in my lap, papa and I joke that I am your recharing station and your batteries are low on mama love.  It's true!   If something happens in our schedule and I am not able to hold you, carry you and sit with you like I normally would, you become quiet and distant.  I am always happy to give you love, though as I waited for you SO LONG and these years together will fly by, I know!

Charlotte Nicole, you have taken part of your mama's name and I see so much of myself in you and so much of your papa in you (that's why you and I get along so well - you are A LOT like your papa in your personality!).  Like me, you like to dress up a  little and go shopping, yet you enjoy time outside playing on the farm (I enjoy being outside so much!).  Our family would not be right without you.  I can't believe that we almost missed you.  Not because we didn't want YOU but because of the fears that were put into our heads by others (two is too many, you can't handle this, China will never give you two, she could have a syndrome {who doesn't?!}, etc.), because of lables like "Special Focus Child," "Small head circumference" and "Moderate to Severe Special Needs" because of a presence in this world that doesn't want beautiful things to come from ashes.  Charlotte, you are fearfully and WONDERFULLY made!  We fought hard for you - we fought social workers, doubt, negative comments from others, doctors who warned us that 'this would be hard' and ourselves, as your special need was not on our list of "things we feel like we can handle."  I remember looking at the need and thinking, "maybe, but it sounds like it would come with so many things we can't handle.  The chances of us being matched with a child with this are probably slim to none."  I never forgot that, though, and it tugged at my heart. I always felt God wanted us to parent a child with a heart condition and I was ready and open for that.  They day after we were matched with your sister I called the angency and told them I didn't care what the need was, please run any and all files past us FIRST.  Let US make that decision.  I didn't want to miss you - I KNEW you were there.  Once the possiblility of being able to look at your file came up, I didn't care about the obstacles (and there were so many), I fought in any way I could to know you.  You were ALWAYS wanted!  The day after you were found, your papa and I were shopping for presents for our future child (children).  I begged to buy TWO dresses!  "There's someone else out there!"  I told him.  You were always in my heart.

As much as you are my child, my daughter, MINE ALWAYS, I know that there is a part of you and your heart that doesn't belong to me.  And that's ok.  You can always keep those pieces of your heart for your birth family and your foster family.  They are part of you, too, always.  But, oh, that your papa and I get to be blessed enough to call you OURS!!!  We thank God for letting us be your parents more often than you'll ever know!

I could go on and on, Charlotte.  But I'll stop here before my mama heart spills over too much.  Know that without a doubt that you are wanted, loved, cherished and wonderful just the way you are!  We love you!

We had a song that was very significant to us while we were waiting to see whether or not Charlotte's file would be released, and wrestling with so many unknowns.  If you'd like to hear it, click on the link below and it will take you to a video.

http://youtu.be/ARIe3PUgu84