CT Scan and Results for Charlotte

On Monday, we had C's big CT scan appointment.  She was a little nervous, but we were able to get her excited about being the only one to get her picture taken as well as eating special bread (her favorite) afterward.

C picked a friend to bring with her - to my surprise, it was my old doll, Lisa!  She picked it because it was mine when I was a little girl. : ). It made my heart happy to see my old friend loved by my own little girl.

The girls were well behaved.  It's nice to have people smiling at your children wherever you go.  : ). They are both little Sunshines!

And they are both so good with each other and for each other.

The gentleman who ran the CT machine LOVED Charlotte.  And thankfully, C was calm and didn't falter for a moment.  Thank you for praying for her.

The CT tech kept saying that she was so cute and sweet.  When he placed the little pillows around her head to steady it, she let out a clear, precious little, "Fank you!"  He melted then and there!  He was so enamored with her that he let her push the buttons to run the machine.   He also quickly scooped her up when she was done, which surprised C and I!   On a positive note, it was the first time she looked distressed about a stranger touching her and tried to come to me and get my attention.  She didn't want to be held by a stranger!  This is huge in the area of attachment - something we've really been working hard on!

I was so proud of her - no tears!   I promised her bread (her favorite treat) after the CT scan.  We stopped at a local coffee shop and the girls devoured a sausage and cheese biscuit and an orange and pecan scone.

They really, really wanted more...

And so did their mama...

C lobbied hard for the brightly colored sugar cookies.  FL wanted chocolate... Or everything, really.

But we just enjoyed the treats we had.

And I promised them new backpacks and a short visit with friends.  They were thrilled with their backpacks!  A yellow one for Flora Lin and a light pink one for Charlotte!

Later in the week, we recieved the results of the scan.

The spot affected in C's brain is on the right side and so very, very, very small that some might debate that it is even there!  This is fantastic news!

However, I feel like this puts us back at the beginning again.  The neurologist called it a malformation, not a stroke.  I spoke with the assistant, not the actual doctor, so it was a bit frustrating because she couldn't answer all of my questions.  We don't go back until October, but are advised to continue doing easy for her left side.   Maybe I shouldn't be pressing the issue so much, but the physical therapist felt we might want to see an orthopedic doctor about C's spine.

How hard should I push?  How much should I put my child through?  Am I doing too much?  Not enough?  Should I continue to push therapy?  Specialists?  Should I let it all go?   She functions well... But should I settle?   I am her advocate...  the only person in this world that is fighting for her.

I am so thankful so little of my daughter's brain is affected, but I have this feeling that there's more to this.  That feeling just won't go away.  So I'll pray and press on.  Joyfully, though.  It is a privilege to be able to fight for such precious little people.  

I'm so thankful for your support and prayers for my family and my children.  Keep them coming and we'll keep you posted.  

CT Scan Prep for Charlotte, Farm Style

Why do these two girls look so happy about bedtime?

Well, because it's NOT bedtime!  They're about to go through the CT scanner at The Leaning A Hospital!  The pillows help keep our heads very still.  The big blankets protect us from radiation.

Of course, we have highly trained scanner technicians!  I know the scanner may look like a shirt box and a calico cat, but trust me, it's way, way more!

The humming/purring sound the machine makes can be a little unnerving.  However, our technicians are here to reassure you and provide the utmost in quality care!

Practice makes perfect!  

Our sweet Charlotte is having a CT scan on Monday to confirm a stroke that most likely occurred early in life and tell us what areas of the brain might be affected.  We would appreciate your prayers for calmness for Charlotte (no sedation due to her heart condition) and for minimal areas to be affected.

Thank you!  : )

Physical Therapy and Speech Therapy Times Two!

Today was another big day for these two precious sleepyheads (aren't they too cute in pajamas?!)!  C and FL had their first physical therapy and speech therapy appointments.  They picked two horses (Rea Rea and Mark) to go on the journey with them!

We were able to print and fill out all of the paperwork ahead of time, which was fantastic!  The girls found a quiet corner to wait and read books to Rea Rea and Mark.

Everyone in the office was upbeat, helpful and pleasant.  It really makes things so much nicer!

Sam went with FL to speech first and C and I headed to PT.   Then we swapped activities.  Both sets of therapists were very impressed with the girls.

In speech, Flora Lin had great language comprehension!  Sam and I both have felt this all along, but it was good to have it confirmed.  She will often pretend not to hear you if she doesn't particularly want to do what you're asking!  Though having her palate repaired later than normal in the US, they feel she will have no problems catching up quickly.   She is behind on sounds, but it is impossible for someone to make consonant sounds with an open palate.  I was a little concerned with her using the signing over speaking, as it is easier for her just to sign something than to try and say it.  The therapist told me that it can become a crutch, so we will keep tabs on this!   FL will be having speech therapy once a week for an extended period of time.   Again, they were impressed with her and very hopeful, so it was great to know that our hard work was paying off!

In physical therapy, we were concerned about Flora Lin having low muscle tone (couldn't sit up in the bathtub well) and delayed gross motor skills.  In January, the International Adoption Clinic made us aware of this issue with her gross motor skills and we have been working on it diligently ever since.  I am happy to report that FL is now on the low end of normal for muscle tone and her gross motor skills are just great (she always had good fine motor skills)!  She does not need any physical therapy or occupational therapy!  Yay, Flora Lin!  Praise God for progress!

And Miss Charlotte?  In speech therapy she blew them away and is ahead of the game!  : )  My concerns about her pronunciation of s/consonant sound combinations (see goo bus for school bus, see gweter for sweater, eye see gream for ice cream) in words is a skill that is usually reached at about seven years of age.  They gave me a chart that had ages and the sounds expected for each one.  They give this chart to all of the moms that freak out a little too much over everything their child does or doesn't do.  ; ) Both speech therapists thought she was doing fantastic and to keep doing whatever we are doing with both girls.

In PT, Charlotte did great, but the therapist agreed that her hand/ arm is not 100%.  She did too well to qualify for any physical therapy (yay!) on a regular basis, but she did give me a list of things to do at home while we are on the waiting list for occupational therapy.   C has low muscle tone and strength I her upper body and neck.  We think that perhaps she skipped the crawling stage and didn't develop her arm, shoulder and neck muscles properly.  We are hoping to be provided a special tricycle at no cost that Charlotte tried out today.  It had pedals where the hands are so upper body is developed as well as a parent handle to give extra support and encouragement. We were put on a wait list, but hope to hear soon!  We will also be working on tossing weighted balls back and forth, climbing, some sort of hanging trapeze, wheelbarrow and crab walk in and running like an animal on all fours! : ). I think we'll be spending lots of time at the park!

Sam and I are so thankful for all of the progress that our girls have made.  One therapist commented, "Farm therapy is really working for your girls!"  The farm can be a lot of hard work and bringing the girls home hasn't been easy for any of the four of us, but it is so wonderful to see all of the things God is doing in all of our lives.   

We are also thankful for all of those that gave in so many ways.  Much of the gifts and gift cards were used towards buying things that would help the girls with their challenges (Ms. Lyn and Mr. Jim, yours bought this fantastic indoor trampoline!).  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

When we were paper chasing all the way through bringing the girls home, Sam and I prayed a very simple prayer for both girls each day.   We asked God to meet their needs, give them someone to love them and give them a sense of hope.  He has done just that, and I am thankful for those who did their best to care for Charlotte and Flora Lin until they could be forever in our family and I am thankful that I get to be their family.

Charlotte's Neurology Appointment

This week we had many appointments for the girls, and one included a trip to the neurologist for C.

Our pediatrician gave us the referral.  The doctors at the IAC were hesitant to send her to one, but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to look deeper into C's weak left hand and unique way of running.   Most, including the doctors, have politely brushed off my concern because C hides it so well.   So, I was very glad to be having this appointment, anxious for answers and prepared to provide whatever evidence was needed to convince the specialist that my daughter needed help.  

Thankfully, I didn't have to convince her of anything.  In a matter of minutes, she saw what I was seeing.  The neurologist suspects that C had a stroke at some point, but does compensate very well.  What I didn't think about is that now C is at risk for seizures.   She described what a mild seizure and a very serious seizure might look like, and what to do in each case.   

 It shook me up a little bit because it reminded me that in some ways, Charlotte is still medically fragile.  I forget about her heart defect all. of. the. time.   But it's there.  Challenging and life threatening things have happened to this sweet, gentle little girl.  Seizures can be big or small, frequent or a once in a lifetime event. 

 But I could loose her.  

A year ago I didn't know if her file would ever be released to us.  Nine months ago I didn't think China was going to ever send the necessary paperwork.   Four months ago I held someone in my arms that I didn't even know.  Now she's a part of me like nothing else ever has been.  

My feelings toward families who have medically fragile children or children that have died are much deeper now than they were before.

Children are precious.   

Life is precious.

I'm so thankful for these sweet ones and all that they bring to our family.  I am thankful that I can at least help my daughters in this way, that I can give them good medical care.

Of course, I'm doing my best to pour out so much more upon them.

My little Dolly (as she likes me to call her) will be having a CT scan next week to confirm and determine the severity of her stroke.   Like the neurologist said, we can't undo what happened, but with therapy and support we can help her succeed that much more.

Please pray for calmness for Charlotte as she goes through something very scary for her.  Please pray that the affected areas are minimal.

Thank you, from a very precious little Dolly's slightly worried mama.

Three Week Appointment at IAC

We had our three week follow up appointment in Birmingham at the IAC today.  They were going over the results of previously drawn blood work, running a few more tests, following up with the family therapist, being evaluated by the physical therapist, rechecked by the doctor and Charlotte was being evaluated by the audiologist (Flora Lin tomorrow)!  Yes, makes me tired typing it!  

Charlotte did great with the audiologist and her hearing tests all looked good!  She was a little scared at first, but once she saw that fun was involved and Mama wasn't leaving, she was ready to play.  Her hearing looks fantastic!

So far, everyone is impressed with her verbal abilities just like her parents.  : )

The girls did so well with all that was being done to and with them.  I try to set them up for success by bringing things that I know they enjoy doing (and pack well).  It does mean we have to lug around a lot and we make messes, but it is a four to six hour appointment!

Things that they enjoy are a travel playdough kit, books, crayons, magna doodle, their dollies, lacing cards, taking a quick walk, and stickers!   I try to mix up what I bring each time and make sure that we don't use the item the week before we go so it stays special.

Stickers only come out on airplanes and in doctors offices.  : ). We looooooove putting stickers everywhere!

And if you can, bring a very silly Papa with you.  They make all the difference!  

The dollies are the girls' constant comfort item.  They go where we go if it is a long trip.  We always have Dolly!

Food is another big helper.  I let the girls eat as often as they want and pull out our regular snacks (fruit, water) as well as many that I don't normally give (cereal, goldfish, pretzels, yogurt puffs, juice).    Someone in particular loves to eat!

Someone else loves to play, take a walk and visit.

Now we are on our way home with full tummies from a quick stop and the girls are asleep in the back. : )  Our day had so many positives and we thank God for that!  Both of the girls had chromosome tests run just to be safe and they came back NORMAL!  Yay!   We think the girls are fantastic no matter what anyone or any test says, but we are glad to know that they both have one less obstacle in life.  With C we were checking for 22Q Deletion Syndrome which often comes with her particular heart condition (TOF).   With FL we ran a general panel because CL/CP often comes with many different things.   I have been holding the girls' hands as they fall asleep each night and asking God to remove this obstacle, should it be there.  Not for me, but for them as they have had so much to go through already and things to come as well. 

 Thank you, God, for hearing this mama's prayer and giving me peace while I waited.  

 And please don't get me wrong.  If one or both of our daughters had a syndrome, we would still feel that God is with us, answering our prayers differently than we wanted, but still acting according to a bigger plan that only He understands.

C is having some issues with her left hand being much weaker than the right, though it does function.  They are unsure as to what caused this.  It could've been a small stroke, an injury or lack of using it for some unknown reason.  Something that they noticed that I didn't see was something off in her running gait.  I just thought it was the run of a little prissy girl, but she's not picking up her feet correctly and almost swinging her legs.  It is very subtle to me and doesn't seem to inhibit her running at all.  The trouble with it is she compensates so well and functions so well that she most likely would not qualify for any therapy.  I'll have to put on my thinking cap and come up with some ideas to do at home to try and help.  : )  In six months we will revisit it and see if she needs intervention, an MRI or nothing at all.

As for fine motor skills, both of the girls are on target.  FL has a few gross motor delays, but they were surprised how well they both were doing.  They kept saying, "You know they are not supposed to be doing this well, right?!"  : )   Having C as a big sister has helped to motivate her to do more.  They both compliment each other and help each other to grow in so many ways.  It is really wonderful to witness firsthand how God is working in their lives as individuals and sisters by bringing them and us together as a family.  There is a lot of brokenness in adoption (and life in general) but God can do such beautiful things with the ashes of the lives of His children.

So, all in all our appointment was very positive and the girls are on track to grow and progress, even with a few little hiccups. The farm has been a blessing in helping them to improve.  I am also thankful for all of you who gave monetarily, gave books, learning toys, supplies and so much more.  We've used them each and every day.

Tomorrow we meet with the cleft team. I am excited to have a plan to help Flora Lin and restore her health fully.  Though her surgery is a little daunting, I am ready for her to talk and she is, too!  : )

We're so thankful for your ongoing prayers.  We will let you know our plan when we have it. : )

Charlotte's First Cardiologist Appointment

We took C to the cardiologist today for the first time.  We had been to the office before when we first recieved word that we might be matched with a second child.  Our social worker wasn't sure she was going to allow the file to be released to us for many reasons and there were so many unknowns about C at the time because we had never seen her file.  It was after our meeting with the cardiologist that we sat in the parking lot, looked at each other and held hands and promised C that if her file was released to us that we would love her forever, no matter what the medical outcome.  A very sweet memory...

I wasn't nervous about the appointment, as I was pretty sure that they wouldn't be taking any blood from C and she seemed so normal and healthy (I would never know she had a repaired CHD if no one told me).  Nonetheless, we had some questions and concerns and it is good just to know.  Since day one I have been able to "feel" her heartbeat, and it has always felt a little strange - not a strong, clear, single beat, but more of a prolonged "squish", if you will. 

I didn't tell C until the morning of the appointment because I didn't want to cause her extra anxiety since she now knows the sign and word for doctor.  She'd had a big meltdown over some simple sorting we were doing with counting bears the night before, so I thought it best not to add to it. 

C was nervous when I told and signed that, "Papa, Mama, Charlotte and Flora Lin are going to see Charlotte's doctor.  Mama, Charlotte and Flora Lin will go in Mama's car to Charlotte's doctor.  Papa will go in Papa's truck to Charlotte's doctor.  Charlotte's doctor is going to look at your scar."  We talked about it most of the way there when we were not talking about the BIG TRUCKS on the road that they are so fascinated with!

Our appointment didn't seem to have much of a wait and they kept us moving from station to station so the girls never got bored (FL was slightly miffed that her blood pressure didn't get taken).  They took C's blood pressure from her arm and from her leg (which the girls reenacted with their doctor playset at home, unprompted by me - families of children with special needs:  get a doctor kit!  This has helped the girls process their appointments so much!  We save the kit for "now and then" use so it stays special.), took her height and weight (she's up another half pound from last week!!!), etc.  After that, C said and signed, "All done, doctor!" and of course we told her there was more.  They took us to a room with the sweetest tech - they told C they were taking pictures of her heart and needed to put stickers and clips on her.  She made it lighthearted and fun, and even blew bubbles for C.  C, who can be dramatic, even laughed a few times!  Such a brave girl and such an awesome xray tech!

After that, we met with the nurse, answered a few questions and then the doctor came in and took us back to do an ultrasound of C's heart.  C had to take her dress off and the room was dark (though there was a TV with children's shows on) and she got very scared when we put her on the table and though compliant, began to cry.  I was able to calm her down after diverting her attention and she did very, very well.  I know that has to be so scary for a little one who has had SO much happen in the last month or so of her life.  I was proud of her.

Not long after the ultrasound, the doctor came in to talk to us.  He explained the heart condition again and told us that even the scar from her surgery was better than they used to be a few years ago (he said her scar looked very "modern") and the surgery looked to be very successful.  The patch between the chambers looked very good and was doing its job.  The right side of her heart was not enlarged, which you might normally see, so that also was very positive news!  He did say that while the pulmonary artery was narrowed, it was not so narrow that the heart couldn't keep up.  And her was the most shocking news of all:  We have all along thought it was a given that C would have open heart surgery again as a teenager to keep up with the growth in her body.  The doctor told us that SHE MIGHT NOT EVER NEED SURGERY AT ALL.  EVER AGAIN!!!!!  

While there is no guarantee for that, we are so excited!  We have to wait and pray that her pulmonary artery grows along with her body (please pray with us!) until she is fully grown. Even then, she may only have to have the pulmonary artery stretched!  We were prepared for a full open heart surgery and valve replacements every few years!  This was such great news to us all - we are so thankful that God has blessed our daughter in this way and heard our continued prayers for good health.  We are so thankful for the orphanage director that cares so mcuh for children that he puts as many children as possible in foster homes and investigates them regularly!  We prayed that our child's needs would be met - He answered!  We are so thankful for her foster family for loving C so completely and giving her their best.  God answered our prayers that our child would be given love!

So today is a great day - a great day remembering God calling us to this child, and though afraid, Him giving us the strength to step out in faith and pursue her whatever the cost.  Today is a great day, because our daughter can lead a fairly normal life with a healthy lifestyle!!!  Today we are blessed!

We could have said no - there was A LOT of pressure from so many for us to turn away from this special little girl, but here we are! : )  So thankful! (and no counting bear sorting meltdowns tonight!)

Don't stop praying for our little Lottie Pie, though.  That artery needs to grow with her body and there are still some lab results that we are waiting for.  We are NOT afraid, but we want the very best for our  daughters who have been through too much already.  If you would, stop and pray for her at least yearly.  Her birthday is in the month of hearts and love, February.  When you see those hearts and roses, will you pray for our sweet girl?  We so appreciate your love and support!

To God be the Glory!

 

Charlotte Nicole Xiao Ping

 I've had many friends and family ask about our girls, their special needs and pictures of them, of course!  First, we want to be very careful about sharing the parts of our daughters' stories that started before we ever knew them.  It is not our story to tell.  Those details belong to our girls and it is our job to protect them and keep their stories private until they are old enough to understand them and tell them on their own.  Now, we don't think they have anything to be ashamed of (quite the opposite, actually) or hide, but, again, the story of their beginnings belongs to them, not us.  I treasure each little detail that we do know and if it were up to me, I'd share it all!  Second, our children's pictures are precious to us.  It has been SO HARD for me not to plaster them all over social media, etc.  however, once those images are out there, we lose control over how they are shared, who shares them and what they do with them.  That scares me, so until I decide the best way to handle it, you won't see the girls on face book!  thank you so much for respecting our privacy and decisions.  Your support, respect and understanding of our choices means a lot to us!

Now, more about Charlotte!

Charlotte was our second daughter to be matched with, as she is on the Special Focus Child List from China, comprised of children who have moderate to severe special needs, some uncorrectable.  If you wish two adopt two children from China, at least one must be from the Special Focus List.  The other child can also be from the Special Focus List, or it can be from the Waiting Child List (children with mild to moderate correctable special needs) or the Healthy Child List.  Since it takes YEARS (8 to 10 is the estimate at this point) to be matched with a healthy child from China and months to years (depending on the age, gender and special need) to be matched with a waiting child you must be matched with your child from the Healthy OR Waiting Child list FIRST before you are matched with your Special Focus Child.  We felt with us being first time parents, we would better handle a child from the Waiting Child List and one from the Special Focus List.  

We are equally happy, blessed and overjoyed with BOTH of our daughters!

Our daughter's name is Charlotte Nicole Xiao Ping.  She has a full American name, as she is fully American, and a full Chinese name as she is also fully Chinese!  When she is older she can choose to drop (or keep) any part of her name that she would like.  

Charlotte is the feminine form of Charles (Sam's Dad).  I had a great, great, great grandmother, Elizabeth Charlotte who immigrated from England to America in the 1800's, much like this little girl will immigrate from China.  Nicole is my middle name, which I am very happy to pass on!  Xiao (pronounced shee-ow) means little or young in Chinese.  Ping means stable, peaceful.  Sam and I thought about changing her Chinese name at first since the meanings didn't seem very significant like Flora Lin's, but realized that was HER name and kept it as it was.    I have since learned that the meanings are VERY special and significant!  Through this "little, young" child, God has taught me to have "steady" faith in HIM and given me His "peace" that surpasses all understanding during the difficulties of waiting for her Referral  Acceptance Letter and many other paperwork trials.  Xiao Ping, indeed! 

 

Charlotte is about two and a half years old, has lived in an orphanage, hospital and foster home.  She also endured open heart surgery in Beijing as a little eleven month old baby!  She's been through so much already in her little life!  

Her surgery was an attempt to repair her heart defect, called Tetralogy of Fallot (TOF or Tet.).  It is a four part defect:  ventricular septal defect (VSD), pulmonary stenosis, an overly muscular right ventricle and the aorta lies directly over the VSD.

VSD is a large hole between the two ventricles.  The hole lets the blood in the body that is blue (venous blood) pass from the right ventricle into the left one.  From there is goes to the aorta, then the body.  This can give the child a blue/purple look (cyanosis) that is more prominent when the child cries or exerts him/her self because the blood doesn't get the chance to pass through the lungs where it with be oxygenated and carry that oxygen to the other parts of the body.

The pulmonary stenosis is a narrowing at the pulmonary valve, or right below it.  The venous blood is not able to flow freely to the lungs as it should because of the narrowing in this area.  

Credit:  American Heart Association.  'If your child has a CHD:  A  Guide for Parents

Because of these defects, not enough oxygenated blood reaches the body, and our bodies need oxygen!  The children will have blue spells with rapid breathing, sometimes faint during exercise or have fainting spells.  Most  children, like Charlotte, have this operation before they are school age.  Some children need a shunt put in as babies so that they may grow enough for the repair to be done when they are older.  Charlotte lived past that stage and had her full operation at eleven months of age.  From what we can tell in her file's translation, her operation included closing the VSD, reducing the thickness of the right ventricular muscle, opening and patching the pulmonary valve (due to the pulmonary stenosis).  In her file, it tells us that the operation was successful, even though her pulmonary valve is still leaking "plentiful."  Because that valve is abnormally narrow, the right ventricle has to work 110 % harder (or much more) to keep pumping the blood to the body.  Our right ventricles work only 100% because they are able to pump all of the blood out of the ventricle at one time.  Charlotte's heart pumps all of the blood out, but because her valve is defective (it doesn't cover the whole opening of the pulmonary valve), some of the blood falls/leaks back out into the right ventricle, which now has a whole new set of blood to pump out in addition to what didn't make it though the time before.  This stretches the ventricle and causes the muscle to thicken again. (think about the arm muscles of someone who lifts weights.  When they first started, their muscles only did what they needed to accomplish in a day.  Once weights were added, their muscles had to burn more calories and exert more energy to accomplish the task.  The person working out keeps wanting to challenge their muscles, adds more weights and the muscles get bigger and bigger.  That person may have to eat more because they are burning more calories and need more energy to keep going. Charlotte's heart is like this weight lifter, except her little heart doesn't get much of a break!).  This requires more energy than a person without this challenge, so Charlotte may tire easily.  She'll also burn more calories and expend more energy just to move the blood through her body.  Her heart has to keep working harder and harder and harder to pump all of that blood through!  It makes me tired just thinking of it! 

Charlotte's heart will eventually outgrow the repair and she will need a second open heart surgery in her mid to late teens.  Every few years or so after, she will require a valve replacement as the pulmonary valve will wear out.

 So, what of the quality of life for this little one?  How long will she live?  Can she have a family of her own?  

We will know much more about the state of her heart and the TOF once we can get her home and evaluated by a pediatric cardiologist here.  The information we have is outdated and has been translated, so we don't know if we have a complete, current set of facts to work with.  The wonderful pediatric cardiologist that helped us understand Charlotte's condition, operation and possible prognosis gave us hope.  Back in the 50's, this heart defect was a death sentence.  Medicine has evolved so much since then that children with TOF can live a fairly normal life, get married, have children (if they are women :)) and live into their seventies (maybe longer - depends on many things).  Our cardiologist gave us further hope by reminding us that advances are being made in medicine every day and who knows what type of technology will be available when Charlotte has her second operation!  It could be her last operation (in a good way) or even less invasive.  There's hope!

I think the biggest challenge for both Sam and myself will be knowing when and how to set limits for Charlotte physically.  She won't be a varsity soccer player.  It's just too much for her little heart.  She won't be an Olympic athlete.  I'll have to keep an eye on her when she's trying to keep up with her sweet cousin (same age) and our spicy little Chinese tornado, Flora Lin (who I think is going to keep us ALL on our toes!). 

 I don't want to be that mom putting a hand on her child's shoulder:

"Slow down."  

"Take a little rest."  

"That's too much."  

"No, you can't join the team."  

"I'm sorry you can't keep up, honey."

"It's too hot for you to play outside."

"You can't do that."

I hate the thought of telling her, "You can't."  

So, I might let her.  

I'll have to balance my mommy fears with my strong wishes of letting her live her wonderful life to the fullest.  That's going to be my challenge.

My other big challenge will be trying to restrain myself from pinching those cute, chubby cheeks!

There are other challenges and unknowns ahead for Charlotte, including some genetic testing for other disorders that come with TOF.  She doesn't appear to have any signs of those from her file, pictures or videos, but we won't know for sure until she comes home and we have the tests run.  I am not going to go into all of that at this time, but will address it later.  I tell you now because I covet your prayers for our sweet daughter and for us as we set out to parent two precious little girls that mean so much to us and will need so much from us.

And we want to give them everything they need... plus a few dolls, princess dresses and a pony (or two or three?!)...

  Because you can't say no to THAT face!!!  

The reality is, though, that I can't fix my children.  It's not my job.  It's not Sam's job.  Or C's cardiologist or FL's craniofacial surgeon's job.

It's my job to love and parent them to the best of my ability.  It's God's job to fix them and love them in ways that I can't.  The real special need that we all have is a need for God's love and fulfillment in Him.

 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  -- Ephesians 3:16-19

I've said it before, and I'll never stop saying it:  We LOVE you, Lottie Pie and Lin-Lin.  You are worth so very much and have brought us so much happiness already.  We write this not only for our own memories, but for yours.  We also write it for the parents of future children like C and FL.  May you know that you are never alone!  

How We Heard the News About Our Second Daughter, Part Two

Continued from Part One

This is a long one, friends.  I feel it is necessary, though.  I want to remember these feelings and events, and maybe they might help someone else in the future.  I also want my daughter to know how she came to be in our family- the good and the uncomfortable.  The bad and the joyful.  Because, altogether, it makes a beautiful picture. 

~ ~ ~

In fact, I was about 99% sure she’d say “no.”  I wasn’t as concerned about our social worker (whom I like very much) saying “no” to the special need, as we would first have everything checked out by the International Adoption Clinic in Birmingham.  I was pretty sure she’d say “no” because Flora Lin was so close in age with Charlotte.  We’d discussed in our very first meeting our feelings about twinning (if you’ll remember, we were VERY much against it).  She praised us for our good thinking at that time and wholeheartedly agreed.

However, we weren’t going to be able to move forward by doing nothing.  We needed to know if this was our daughter (I knew, you know, but the practical, barbeque- sandwich-eating husband needed documentation and other logical confirmation sources. ; )).  So, we called.  E mailed.  Called.  And CALLED AND E MAILED AND CALLED.  We couldn’t reach her and neither could our agency.  The day passed and we had to sit and wait through the weekend.

It was NOT an easy weekend.

I don’t remember all of the details, but I know it was hard.  It was hard because there were a lot of unknowns with Charlotte.  It was hard because we couldn’t see her file.  We couldn’t see her face (and at the time we felt it was best).  We couldn’t know anything about her except her birth date and special needs.  We felt as if we might not be allowed to make this decision about whether or not she was our child for ourselves. While I was once very confident that this was my child, now waves of doubt swept over me.  Fears didn’t creep in, they charged in.  I couldn’t think straight.  I couldn’t pray.  I felt so much.  I couldn’t talk to hardly anyone about it because we didn’t want to excite friends and family only to hurt them with disappointment.  Sam and I didn’t talk much.

When my heart is too full to talk, too overwhelmed to pray and too confused to think, I sing.  And I pull weeds.  I pulled A LOT of weeds that weekend.  A LOT of weeds.

I also talked to another adoptive mom.  I told her what was going on and how we were feeling and how we feared the social worker would not release the file to let us decide for ourselves.  I told her that I was going to fight and let my inner Momma Bear out!  She kindly, but firmly told me to hold on a minute and think.  Think about letting God do this if it is meant to be.

 Monday morning, Momma Bear came out of hibernation.  : )  I called the home-study agency on a stormy, tornado- warning – filled morning and reached the intern at the agency (no one else was there, due to the weather).  I’ll spare you the details, but I think I ended up sounding more like Chicken Little than Momma Bear.  Eventually, I reached our social worker. And I thought about the whole Momma Bear thing… and decided to let her sleep.   I calmly told her about our girl, expecting resistance, and was met with a little more than that.  She brought up several great points to consider, and I brought up a calm answer for each one.  She wasn’t satisfied, but did agree to release the file ONLY to the cardiologist and IA Clinic Doctor for our medical reviews.  She wasn’t confident that we could handle her special need or that she would have a normal life.  And the twinning?  Well, I don’t have to tell you how she felt about that.*  She told us to give her a call after the appointments took place.  She said she’d be interested how we felt after speaking with the cardiologist.

I’ll take what I can get, y’all. 

I talked to another adoptive mom later that night, explaining my whole situation to her.  She was a mom with a child that had a similar condition and had also twinned (and has adopted many more times since then!).  She was very optimistic about my fears being “do-able” in the future, but wasn’t optimistic about the file being released to us.  She promised to pray for our situation.  I was hopeful and unhopeful at the same time.

Tuesday was a day that we hoped would bring some answers.  Around lunchtime, the doctor from the IA Clinic called on a three way call to discuss Charlotte’s file with both of us.  Not knowing we hadn’t ever read it, she began to review, beginning with her finding place and the details surrounding it.  My heart broke that moment in a way it hadn’t before.  I couldn’t hold back the tears, and I could tell that on the other end of the phone that Sam couldn’t either.   When people say that adoption is hard, yes, they mean gathering paperwork.  Yes, they mean taking class after class.  Yes, they mean attachment.  Yes, they mean special needs.  But what has been the hardest for me is how I have come to have these precious children as my daughters… what they have lost.  What their birth family has lost. 

I can’t discuss the details of that loss ( though I want to), as her beginning is not my story, but hers.  I am only the keeper of it until she can tell it herself in her own way.

The doctor went on to discuss growth and development and surgery and scars and inconsistencies and unknowns.  We didn’t get many of the answers we were hoping for.  My heart was still not at peace.  But, you have to keep moving forward.

Yes, I pulled more weeds that night. : )

The following day, Wednesday, we met with the pediatric cardiologist.  The people in that office were some of the kindest people I had met!  He carefully explained Charlotte’s heart, what had happened, what could happen and what he future looked like.  She’d never be an Olympic track runner, he told me.  She’d have surgery again one day. 

“Can she ride horses?!” 

He said that horses would be perfect!  : )  He also told us that her picture was really cute.

Sam and I walked back to his truck together, both a little lighter.  We held hands and looked at each other.  Could we each be enough of a parent to parent her with love, no matter what?

  We still didn’t get answers on the unknowns, but on that day, that beautiful day, we decided to lay down our doubts.  The sun was so bright and the sky absolutely clear…  it was such a pretty day.  And I knew again.  I knew she was mine.

That evening, Sam and I came up with a list of arguments that we thought our social worker might make.  We also made a list of what we might say to counter that.  We were prepared for the battle, but I was still so afraid.  He decided to make the call Thursday, as I would be helping my mother pick out tile and fixtures for her new kitchen during the day (thus unavailable).  I think he was also secretly afraid of Momma Bear.

Wednesday night, I couldn’t find peace.  I was so afraid of not being given the chance to parent this child.  I was exhausted and sick.  I knew I needed sleep, so I asked God to wake me so I could pray in the morning.  I couldn’t find the words just then.  I didn’t have the strength.  At 3:30 AM I woke and I knew he was calling.

“My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”  And my heart responds, “LORD, I am coming.”  ~ Psalm 27:8 NLT

I got up and left the room quietly and knelt to pour my heart out to the only one who knew the plan, my fears, my heart and the beautiful outcome.  I felt a little peace as I crept back in bed and slept until morning.

Thursday, I happily left work early to join my mom for an afternoon of fun.  We spent our time going back and forth about which cabinets go with which handles go with which tiles go with which countertop.  It was nice to be out and doing something different and happy, but you know where my mind was.  In the middle of debating tile and drawer pulls, my phone rang.  It was Sam.  He was NOT eating a barbeque sandwich.

“She released the file to us.”

He hadn’t read bullet points.  Hadn’t taken part in a great debate.  Hadn’t pleaded or begged. I know that I was faint.  I couldn’t stand and I asked for some water.  I tried to be interested in tile and drawer pulls, but I wanted to shout and cry and thank God!!!    

I kept it together.  After my mom and I picked out what needed picking, we ran to a store or two and I bought two sweet dresses at each. : )  One for my Lin-Lin and the other for my Lottie Pie.  My mom didn’t know, but it was a beautiful day. 

Later, I joined Sam at his office to FINALLY see my girl for the first time and read her file.  And if you can believe it, that barbeque –eating, excel spreadsheet-making husband had me read through the entire file before looking at her picture!  The nerve! ; )

But she was so worth the wait.  So worth all of it.

And there she was.  A darling, precious girl.



The first photo we saw of our precious daughter!

And the rest is history, as you know. 

But I might add that every April 4^th, we, as a family, will pull over on the side of the road and eat barbeque sandwiches, while telling the stories over and over and laughing at the memories past.   

Charlotte, you’ve taught me about peace and about being steady and steadfast, just like the meaning of your Chinese name, Xiao Ping.   While Flora Lin broke through my sorrow to give me joy, you completed my joy.  Girls, you are both so precious to me, and two of the most sought-after blessings.  I’d do it all over again.  Many times.  I love you.





Beautiful!

* I would like to add that though this was frustrating, looking back, I agree with what she did and what she said.  She had to act in the best interest of both children and do what was best for the success of our family as a whole.  In her position, with the knowledge she had at that time, I would have made the same decision.