We've been attending a small Bible Study and worship time on Sunday evenings with the girls for a while now. It has been the perfect thing to segway into a full church service and just get us all out of the house! Our wonderful friends have been leading the Bible study, but are taking a much needed break the next few weekends. I've been feeling really disconnected from God lately, so it seemed the perfect time to try and get back to church.
The church we have been visiting for a while has supported us in so many ways through all of the adoption. It's been hard to stay away. My main reservations for going back were my own personal brain fog (mostly lifted now), the environment being overly stimulating for one of my daughters (which would cause her to check out and then melt down), the girls being frightened by all of the well meaning attention from others (they're too cute - it's hard for anyone not to pick them up and squeeze them!) and the whole event turning into some sort of disaster because of trying to make two three year olds sit through an hour long service!
We felt this weekend would be good because the crowd would be light. We also prepared the girls ahead of time by taking them by the church to see the outside and talking about what we would do when we went. Sam called the pastor a few days before and explained how frightening touch from strangers and crowding can be for the girls. The pastor happily agreed to make an announcement to the church at the beginning of the service and we arrived a few minutes after, slipping in the side door.
We packed C and FLs backpacks with a Bible storybook, a toy to fidget with, their dollies and a few quiet/busy toys. Sam and I planned to keep them with us the entire time, sit in the back pew by the door and roll with whatever punches may come!
And the girls?
They did fantastic! Sam and I were so proud! They even agreed to go up and sit for The Children's Moment in my lap! Everyone in the church was kind and respectful of their space. We were excited for them to finally meet the girls and they were excited to meet them! We are even looking forward to attending next week! The girls were most excited about hearing that a new, awesome playground will be put in this week. When we took them by yesterday, the playground was in too poor of shape for them to use it and they were very dissapointed. They are so happy that it will be fixed! I'm so happy that they did well and it was a positive experience for everyone.
Some things that we did ahead of time that might have helped us with success :
* talk, talk, talk in simple language about what will happen
* go by the church ahead of time
* attend a small gathering with music! singing and quiet time. Our friends' Bible study was perfect for this!
* gently prepare the congregation (and remember that they haven't taken 18 hours of parenting classes, attended adoption seminars, read numerous books, blogs and websites about how children from hard places have some different needs from children who are not from hard places - it's difficult of anyone to fully understand something they have never personally experienced).
* set your child/children up for success. We fed C and FL a snack right before so their tummies were full going in and their blood sugar wouldn't be low at the end. We also brought a comfort item, a toy to fidget with if they needed it, a book and two different quiet toys to play with.
* set your expectations low. We planned to leave as soon as they needed to, even if it was two minutes after we arrived. We planned on meltdowns, clingyness and multiple potty breaks. This time, none of that happened at church. Once we were home and they felt safe enough to express and feel emotion, we did see some of those feelings come out.
* create familiarity. We regularly sing the Doxology (known as "Praise God" in our house) and the Gloria Patri (known as "Glory Be" to our family) in our home. We also listen to lots and lots of instrumental music and pray together. We talk about Jesus and they know that the cross means Jesus. They know what Bibles are and that they are Jesus Books. We heard both songs today and I pointed out the instruments, Bible and crosses to my girls.
* teach your children to be still before you ever expect them to be still. And if they simply aren't wired to be quiet and still be ok with how they were created. It's ok to be wiggly. : ) I can't take credit for their temperament or the first two and a half years of my daughters' upbringing, but because we have two children the same age, we practice a lot of waiting and patience by default. We also have a 30 minute drive any time we go to and from town, wait and are quiet at all of our many, many doctors appointments, they wait for everyone to be done at meals, wait for their turn with a toy, wait for Mama's attention/help, wait, wait, wait, wait. It was one of the first words and signs both of our girls knew!
* connect before you go. Both Sam and I had a positive morning with both girls and spent the majority of our time with them this morning. Their love tanks were full. : )
* please don't stress. My girls wanted to climb into the van all by themselves this morning. They are short. My van is not clean. They were wearing white smocked dresses. But my girls having a good experience and seeing church as a positive thing is much more important than a smudge on an heirloom dress. I let them climb in. Dresses don't have a memory or feelings. My daughters do.
We were running behind, but fussing at my family would not get us their any earlier. It's better to arrive calm, connected and late than on time, flustered and sorry you ever came. I hope I can always keep a good, peaceful attitude! It certainly helped!
* cocoon for a long time and keep affection and care limited to mom and dad. My girls' schedule is predictable and I always tell them of any changes. Their world is fairly small, though at six months home we are starting to expand it more and more. "Hugs, kisses and I Love Yous are for Mama, Papa, Charlotte and Flora Lin" is a regular saying in our home. Even now, they don't trust us 100% and aren't sure of the proper boundaries of affection. I have one that would still hug and kiss a stranger at this point, or walk off holding hands with one without a peep.
* know your child's subtle signs of stress. I saw this in both girls today. They were well behaved and cute, but they were insecure and a little scared. I could tell with one by how she did/ didn't make eye contact with me when I spoke. I could tell with the other by how overly affectionate she was with me, yet unable to focus or listen to my words. I also know what the signs of the next level of stress are and was ready to leave quickly if I saw them surface.
* every family is different. What works for us may not work at all for you and your family and that's ok!
* Know your child's limits. Respect your child's limits.
* be there for them 110%.
Things that would have made it even better:
* actually go inside the church when no one else is there and let the children look around freely
* have a few people from your church over to your home more than once to hang out with your family. Make sure these are people you can count on to respect how a child from a hard place is parented differently. When you attend church, point out these familiar faces to your child.
* attend a choir practice, etc. so that your child can hear the songs and different instruments used beforehand.
* write a short letter to your church explaining the boundaries you have lovingly set and a brief explanation why. Print up small inserts to be put in the bulletin (May not work if you attend a large church).
* I know there's many other things we could've done, but I can't think of them now! : )
As you can see, the girls were so inspired by the service that Flora Lin is trying to hide God's word in her heart and Charlotte is studying for her M Div!
I'm so happy we can start the girls on a course to enjoying and being loved by this church! We are so thankful! Praise God!
