How Did It Happen?

I am writing this memory for my daughters so they can know how it all began, and for my Flora Lin especially, so she can know how her mama first found out about her.

Monday, March 17th, 7:50 AM.  It was raining.  Again.  I was sitting in my car, listening to the radio, not wanting to start work just yet and about to cry.  I don't know what prompted it.  Probably a combination of the incessant rain, cold and a song or two on the radio, but I thought about it every day and when I wasn't thinking about it, I was doing everything I could not to think about it.

Flashback to January, middle of the month (not sure when because I didn't want to remember when). Sam and I had anxiously been waiting to be matched with a child.  September, November, December flew by.  When? When?  WHEN?!  I finally convinced him to call the agency and ask when they thought it might be.  Days, weeks or months?  In his ever gentle manner he broke the news to me one night on our living room couch.  Another six to eighteen months for a match.  We'd already been in this process for at least a year and a half, wanting a child for at least seven years.   The thought of having to wait a year to two more years to have a child of my own was just too much.  I've never much liked January, much less February.  Mostly because of the weather, though.  To say this was hard would be an understatement.  I think only those who have longed for a child for years can truly understand.  I called my mom, sobbing.  I never call my mom, sobbing.  The last time I did that I was in college, homesick and maybe had a little too much to drink.  You can ask her yourself.   

So this brings us back to me in the car, at 7:50 on a Monday morning, outside of my workplace, ready to cry (something that people everywhere can relate to, at least on a Monday morning).

I was on the verge of feeling crushed and the prospect of waiting so long just felt too heavy.  So, I prayed to my God.  I cried and I told Him that I had faith that He would give me the strength to wait as long as He wanted me to wait, but I poured out my heart that I didn't think I could wait much longer.  I told Him my heart was broken, but He already knew that.  He is "the God that really sees" after all.  I got out of the car.  I made it through the work day.  I did it all again the next day, including making it through the rain and cold.  I told my sweet husband that my heart was sad and I needed something to distract me and make me happy. 

On Wednesday, I ordered eight fluffy, little baby chicks to be delivered to my local post office.  We live on twenty acres and we're cool like that.  I was happy.  My co-workers and my dad thought I was nuts.  My husband knew I was nuts.  I knew I needed something to love besides seven horses, two cats, two dogs and a husband.

That was Wednesday morning, March 19th.  The sun finally came out that day.  It was a beautiful, picture-perfect spring day in the south.  My heart felt almost happy.  I remember getting out of my car that morning and thanking God that finally, finally the rain had stopped and the sun had come out.
Later that day, I went upstairs to eat my lunch, about 1:15.  I was looking at a few blogs on my phone, reading contently, enjoying my break.  My phone rang.  It was a strange number.  Maybe the agency?  No.  They had no reason to be calling and I was not going to set myself up for dissapointment.  If it was something important they'd leave a message.  I kept on reading blogs, and heard my phone chime that I had a message.  I told myself I would check in a bit.  My phone rang.  It was my husband's number.  I knew.  I knew.

The conversation went something like this:
Me:  WHAT?! ( I never answer his calls like that, by the way.  I always like to talk to him. )
Sam:  The agency called.
M:  NO THEY DIDN'T.  What did they want?!
S:  We have a referral  (this means they have the file and picture of a child they think you'd like to adopt).
M:  NO THEY DON'T.
S:  Yes, they do, Honey.
M:  NO THEY DON'T.
S: Yes, they do!
M:  We've been matched?  But it might not...  A referral for us?
S:  Yes, honey.

Both of us became tearful at that point and we discussed conference call vs. me coming to his office to be together, which we decided was best.  He asked me if I could drive.  I told him of course I could drive, but truthfully, I wasn't sure!

I hastily got my things together upstairs and started to cry as I ran downstairs.  Feeling as though it could still somehow be taken from me and not wanting to waste any time trying to explain, I told my coworker through tears that everyone was ok, but I was leaving NOW and would be back at some point.  With that I ran through the door (but probably not as gracefully as that sounds...).   I somehow got in my car after dropping my keys multiple times.  I remember being at the intersection of Fairview, Woodley and Cloverdale road, and telling myself that I might have a child, but I might not, but I might, but I couldn't get my hopes up, but I needed to remember what song was on the radio so I could retell this later.  I have no idea what song was on the radio.  I remember driving down Perry Street, thinking how absolutely beautiful the day was.  It wasn't raining anymore.  It was so, so beautiful.  My Winter had finally become Spring.

Sam was waiting for me in the parking lot.  He was pointing to a parking space.  He wanted me to park in a parking space in a parking lot.  I know how to park in a parking space in a parking lot.  I wanted to tell him as much, but remembered that he couldn't hear me in a car in a parking lot when he wasn't in it, too.  I let bygones be bygones and parked in the parking space in the parking lot just like he wanted me to.  We both didn't quite know what to do with ourselves.

We conference called with our agency.  She told us something.  Sam said something.  I couldn't think of one dad blam thing to say.  She said she'd e mail us the file and pictures.  Originally, we said we'd be objective.  We'd be wise and thoughtful and read only the file first.  We'd save the pictures for once we'd analyzed the data and made fifty excell spreadsheets and compared the relative size, shape and colors of the entire world (sweet daughters, this will make you laugh in the future when you know how much happiness an excell spreadsheet brings your father).  The email came into the inbox.  Sam had never scrolled to the bottom of an e mail for picture attachments so fast!

What can I say?  Our reactions to seeing our beautiful Flora Lin's picture for the very first time are recorded on camera for us to remember.  I couldn't believe that I could be so blessed and that The God Who Really Sees could have answered my feeble prayer so quickly, so perfectly, all in His timing.

I love you, Lin Lin (and my Lottie Pie, too!).  You turned my sorrow into JOY, beautiful girl.  Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow.

~ Mama